The Best Valentine’s Date For Monster Lovers: A Ranking

Monster Prom gives us six monstrous love interests, and whether furry, floating or fanged, who would make the best Valentine’s Day date?

Liam de Lioncourt

It may be charming when a vampire plays hard to get, but Liam’s cool detachment puts him at the bottom of the ranking as a Valentine’s Day date for a simple, technical reason: While he may have a sweet, mushy heart deep underneath his ironic exterior, Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark-created invention of capitalists to sell greetings cards and candies. The long and short of it is that he won’t be your Valentine. A candlelit dinner is out of the question. He might celebrate Cyril and Methodius Day with you (as the February 14th holiday that nobody else has heard of) but a card written in the oldest Slavic alphabet is only as touching a gesture as it is a legible one.

Vera Oberlin

Vera Oberlin would show up to your Valentine’s Day date immaculately dressed, terrify your waiter, and lament that she didn’t have time to feed her hair snakes that evening. You anticipate sharing an evening of witty banter and tax fraud, until you see her scribble something down on her tablet after ordering your starters. It’s an elimination bracket. You don’t know at what point you progressed from the 16th bracket to the 8th, but soon you’re having competitive dinner with another potential object of her affection while she takes notes. Vera doesn’t settle, and it’s an admirable trait, but who knows what happens to the dates knocked out of the rankings?

Miranda Vanderbilt

This mermaid princess knows what she wants: total dominion, and niche cutlery. With serfs for waiters, serfs for chairs, and serfs for footstools, Miranda has the staff, and the teeny tiny fork-spoons, to ensure you’ll both be having the most luxurious dinner date. She knows how to fold her napkins into a love heart, and also into a declaration of war. If you go into this date with no quibbling moral qualms about genocide, it’s sure to be a lovely evening, but if not? Don’t think too deeply about where the fish course comes from.

Damien LaVey

Like Miranda, Damien is royalty: both his dads are the Kings of Hell. Unlike Miranda, he doesn’t care so much for luxuries. Instead, he indulges in his diplomatic immunity to get away with some light arson on a more-or-less daily basis. Your steak might be well done by the end of the evening, but after fleeing from the scenes of your crimes, Damien is the kind of date who would kick back and watch your favourite trashy reality TV show with you — because it’s his favourite trashy reality TV show, too. And after all, it’s the little things that fan the flames of romance.

Scott Howl

Scott brings the most important quality to a Valentine date: enthusiasm. Of all the monsters, he would be the most invested in making sure that you are having a good time, and that everyone is happy to be there. He gets an A+ for effort (even if it’s the only A+ he’s getting). As execution goes, however? Your flowers would be presented to you covered in dirt, and dug out of someone’s garden with his bare hands. He would eat his dinner with those same bare hands. He would hold your hands with such affection that you might want to forgive him, even as they hang your pictures up on a “banned visitors” wall at the restaurant.

Polly Geist

Top of the rankings is everybody’s favourite ghost girl, Polly. A Valentine’s Date with Polly would be the most fun day you ever have in your entire life. It also might be the last day of your entire life — but she’s a ghost, so the date never ends! You can be ghosts together, dating, dancing, doing all kinds of weird and questionably legal drugs. They can only kill you once, and after that, things only get better. A date with Polly is full of once-in-a-lifetime experiences, an unforgettable, unregrettable Valentine. #YOLO